


All That I've Loved (I'm Giving Up)

by unfortunatelynormal



Series: Alec's Dilemma (I'm Going to Die) [2]
Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: AU, Alec is very gay, Alec says goodbye, Arranged Marriage, In that Alec and Lydia's Marriage is arranged, Sad Alec
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-03
Updated: 2016-09-15
Packaged: 2018-05-24 12:33:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6153898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unfortunatelynormal/pseuds/unfortunatelynormal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec and Lydia are arranged to marry. He doesn't think he can do it, so he begins to say goodbye.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Maryse (Mother, Mother, What Have You Done)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey Everybody! Since I got so much positive response to the first piece I posted, I thought I would give you all what you've been asking for: a companion piece! Many asked specifically for a scene I referenced in the first piece containing Alec and Clary, so look forward to that. Now, once again, I have to warn you, though it's not as prominent in this piece, Alec has basically decided to commit suicide, so think of yourself first. If that triggers you, don't feel obligated to read this. Enjoy!

He starts with his parents.

He thinks it’ll be easier that way, because after some thinking he’s realized that he doesn’t have that much to say goodbye to anyway.

His parents were broken long before he came along.

He heads towards his parents quarters, intent on making his peace with way his parents have treated him.

It doesn’t exactly go the way he planned.

He reaches his parents room without incident, but when he opens the door, he’s startled, because…   _shit_. His bride-to-be is here.

Lydia Branwell is sitting on the bed with his mother, and they are apparently having a very serious conversation that he has just very rudely interrupted. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I didn’t mean to intrude.”

“It is alright, Alec. We were just discussing you anyway.” His mother states.  “Actually, why don’t you come in? I think there are some things we need to discuss.”

It is not an invitation: this he knows.

He enters.

He sits in a chair by the door, easy to escape if he has to. He doesn’t know how to start this conversation, so he sits in silence for a moment, waiting for someone else to speak. He works on memorizing his mother’s face. He doesn’t know if this is the last time he’ll see her. Eventually, his mother tires of his silence.

“Alec,” she says forcefully, “Why are you here?”

He panics. He hadn’t come here with a plan, and he really had meant for this conversation to be private.

“I just-” he starts, very aware of the other person in the room, “I’m worried about the wedding.”

His mother nods, like she had expected this.

“I have been expecting this.”

 _How ironic_ , he thinks.

“It’s alright to be afraid Alec. This is a major change in your life, and a significant event for our family. In fact, Lydia here had just come to voice some of the same concerns to me.”

His eyebrows shoot up, and he turns his head towards Lydia, whose face is tinged red.

His mother clears her throat, and Alec turns back to her.

“I think that there is an easy fix to this. Both of you obviously feel uncomfortable with each other, and that will not do for a married couple. So, the obvious solution is for you to spend some time with each other. Alec, why don’t you take this young lady on a date?”

His mother stares at him expectantly, and he realizes she’s waiting for verbal confirmation.

“Of course,” he says. “That sounds like a wonderful idea. Lydia?” _(No, no Alec this is a fucking awful idea-)_

She nods, rising from the bed, and tells him, “Meet me at my room in an hour and I’ll be ready to go. Dress nice.”

He nods and replies, “I’ll be there.”

She leaves.

He rises, and begins to leave, before turning back to his mother.

“Mother,” he calls.

“Yes, Alec?” She asks, a little confused.

“I love you.” He says.

Her brow furrows, but she replies in kind. “I love you too, Alec.”

He leaves.


	2. Robert (Father, Father, Tell Me, Where Have You Been)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec says goodbye to Robert.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Everybody! Thank you for leaving me such wonderful comments and likes. They give me warmth and the desire to write. Enjoy!

 

Next, he goes to his father. He still has an hour before he has to meet Lydia, so even if this conversation doesn’t take the short amount of time he expects it will, he still has time.

Since his father isn’t in his parent’s quarters, he must be in the office. Alec has no idea where else he’d be.

He’s in the office.

Alec knocks at the door before entering.

“Alec.” His father says, a note of surprise in his voice.

“Father.” Alec replies. “I was, um, wondering if I could speak with you about the wedding.”

“Ah.” Understanding dawns upon his father. Very quickly, it turns to anxiousness. His father is very uncomfortable.

A small part of Alec rejoices in that ( _you bastard_ , it screams. _I had a life, and you took it from me. You have never seen me, not once, and now you ask this of me_ ) but he quickly squashes it. This is his part to play. He has to deal with it.

“Shouldn’t you be talking to you mother about this?” Robert asks.

“I already went to see her, but I wanted to talk to you as well.” Alec answers.

“Why?” Robert questions. It is sad, so sad, that this is how this conversation is going. That his own father, who was supposed to raise and love him, cannot even stand to have a talk with him. Cannot fathom why his own son ( _son by blood, yes, but not by choice_ ) would want to talk to him.

“I just – am I doing the right thing? By marrying Lydia?” Alec finally says, into the heavy silence that has overtaken the room.

And then, Robert finally understands. And he does what Alec knew he would do.

He lies.

“Of course you are Alec. You are protecting your siblings and our family honor by doing this. I know you may not like it right now, but Lydia is a good woman and a strong warrior. You will grow to love her in time.”

_(No, I won’t. I will never love her, and you will never realize that because you have never been around long enough to look at me! Just look at me father, please!)_

Alec thinks all of this, but says none. He nods, slowly, before turning from his father.

“Goodbye, father.” Alec says, opening the door and exiting.

Robert says nothing.

There’s a sense of finality in the air, and he doesn’t know why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Everybody! I hope you enjoyed that. I know these first two chapters have been short, but I was a little hesitant with how I wrote Robert and Maryse, because I didn't really know how to write them. I hope I got their voices okay. I expect most of these next chapters to be longer, because I know most of the characters better. Review and subscribe everyone! You know you want to!


	3. Max (I love you, I love you-this doesn't change anything)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me forever to get my ideas together on this one, but once I did I was seriously happy with my results. Hope you enjoy!

The next person Alec comes across is the one he had hoped to avoid.

Max, his little brother, who he loves more than anyone else (except for maybe Jace).

Max skips up to him, smiling. “Alec!” He says, love radiating from every inch of his smile.

“Hey Max.” Alec replies, crouching down to put himself on his brother’s level. Then he has a realization.

“Shouldn’t you be in class?” Alec asks, eyes narrowing.

“Nope!” Max answers, extremely smug. “All classes have been canceled because somebody’s getting married. They have to do wedding preparations.”

Oh.

_Oh._

Of course.

(Alec and Lydia’s wedding is the biggest thing that’s happened at the New York institute in a long time. How could he forget? _Of course_ classes would be canceled for wedding preparations. The wedding has to be perfect for the Clave.)

_(Unfortunately for the Clave, there won’t be a wedding at all.)_

It seems that he’s been stuck in his own head to long, because Max pokes Alec in the side.

“Hey!” Alec protests, laughing. “What are you doing Max?”

“I want to ask you a question!” Max proclaims. “Do you know whose getting married? Why is it such a big deal?”

Alec stops laughing.

“Nobody told you?” Alec asks.

“Nobody tells me anything!” Max whines.

“Okay Max. I’m sorry nobody told you before. You should have been one of the first to know.” Alec tells him.

Max quiets down, body language becoming much more serious, in response to Alec. He frowns, looking at Alec, and then asks, “Alec, why do you look so sad?”

_Fuck._

_(Max has always been too perceptive for his own good.)_

“I’m not sad Max,” Alex says. _(He’s lying through his teeth.)_ “I’m the one getting married.”

Max’s eyes widen in shock.

“But-but- how can you be getting married? Who are you getting married to? Are you leaving-I don’t want you to leave! You can’t get married!”

Max’s panicked babble makes Alec smile. He pulls Max into a hug, strong and reassuring.

“Sh, Max, you need to calm down. You don’t need to worry. I’m getting married to Lydia Branwell, the envoy from the Clave. I’m not leaving. Lydia and I, when the time comes, will be taking over the institute. You have nothing to worry about.”

“Wait- you’re marrying Miss Lydia? Alec, she’s only been here for a couple of days. You don’t even know her. Besides, you don’t even like girls!” Max exclaims loudly.

Alec stills in shock.

(How could Max know? Was Alec really so obvious?)

Alec stand up, tugging Max with him. He starts towards his rooms, Max scrambling behind him.

“Alec, where are we going?” Max asks.

“We’re going to my room so we can talk.” Alec replies tersely.

When Alec reaches his rooms, he pulls Max inside, slamming the door closed.

“Max, I am marrying Lydia, and that’s final. It doesn’t matter that she’s only been here a few days, she’s a nice lady and I’m sure we’ll be perfectly happy together. Now Max, I need you to promise me, you’ll never say anything about me not liking girls again.” Alec pleads with him.

Max doesn’t understand and asks, “Why?”

“Because Max, the Clave doesn’t like people who don’t like people the opposite gender as them. In their eyes, girls must like boys, and boys must like girls. It doesn’t matter if I like girls or not. Lydia and I are getting married because it’s the right thing to do.”

Max is close to tears now, because before everything else, Max is still a child (how could Alec forget) and he can’t understand why everyone can’t be nice to each other. Max reaches out blindly for Alec, and starts crying.

Alec doesn’t understand.

“Max, what’s wrong?” he asks, desperate to get Max to stop.

“Big brother,” Max blubbers through his tears, “I don’t like girls either.”

No.

_No!_

(Of all people for this to happen to, Alec doesn’t understand why it has to be Max. This curse, his curse, _(It’s not a curse, Alec)_ is his because he’s done terrible things. He’s being punished. _Max is innocent_.)

“Max,” Alec starts, “It’s okay. It’s okay, It’s okay, It’s _okay. I love you._ ”

And now Alec is crying too (stop that, warriors aren’t supposed to cry) and he can’t stop.

It takes a few moments for both of them to calm down, but when they finally do, Max is exhausted.

_(He’s a child, he’s a child.)_

Alec lays Max to sleep in his bed, before checking the clock beside his bed.

_Shit._

He has twenty minutes before he has to meet Lydia for their date.

He needs Isabelle.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys liked it! I always imagined Max to be a perceptive little guy, but he's also a kid. There are some things that are really hard to explain to kids, like the Clave's hatred of the LGBTQ+ community. I think Alec did the best he could. Review, everybody, because I live one comments. Feed your local author with love!


	4. Jace (Parabatai, hear me, hear me)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I'm such a flaky writer guys. I lost all will to write, and I've never been very good with deadlines anyway. My apologies, and I hope you like this chapter. Also, I went and fixed the end of the last chapter, so go read the last two lines of it and it'll make much more sense. Thanks.

Alec scrambles out of his room frantically, rushing towards the center of the institute in hopes that Isabelle will be there.

 _(Oh, by the Angel, this date has to be good. It_ has _to be)._

Instead, he runs into Jace.

“Alec!” His parabatai exclaims, joy filling his face, a face that Alec was once so intrigued by. (So in love with).

_(But not anymore)._

_(Now he has-well, had Magnus. Now he doesn’t_ have _anyone)._

“Jace.” Alec responds. “I’d love to stay and chat, but I actually really need to speak to Isabelle right now. So if you would please step aside.”

Jace’s eyes narrow.

Alec knows that he’s not usually this rude to Jace, and that now his parabatai will know that something’s wrong, _(hear me, parabatai, brother, friend)_ but honestly he just…can’t deal with this right now.

“Alec…” Jace starts.

Alec cuts him off. “Really Jace, I have a date with Lydia in,” he checks his watch, “seventeen minutes, and you know Isabelle will murder me if I don’t let her dress me. Besides, Lydia told me to ‘dress nice’. What does that even mean? I just really need Isabelle.”

Jace relaxes a bit, understanding. _(You think you understand, but you don’t, not at all)._

“Yeah, okay. You really do need Isabelle. Come find me after your date, though, will you? I feel like we haven’t seen each other in forever.”

‘And whose fault is that?’ Alec mentally queries. But instead of saying that, he just nods and moves onward. It’s not like Jace has bothered to pay any attention to Alec since Clary showed up anyway. If Jace wants to make amends, he has to make the first move. Alec won’t beg at his feet.

(Parabatai, where are you? Why don’t you want me? Why don’t you love me?)

When Alec walks away, Jace feels Alec’s side of the bond open up for a single second.

He’s overcome with a terrible sadness and pain.

He ignores it.

(I mean, Alec’s the strong one right? He’s always fine. He _has_ to be).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey you guys! Hope you enjoyed it, in my AU, Jace and Alec's friendship is still really strained because of Clary and because Jace doesn't believe that Alec wants to marry Lydia. (The Lightwoods and Branwells aren't presenting it as an arranged marriage). So, honestly, this was still short, because I thought they wouldn't have a lot to say to each other. (Also because I am terrible at writing long chapters). Finally, I am on the lookout for a beta, so if any of you are willing to badger me and help me out, send off a message! I'd really appreciate it! Whelp, that's it. Remember, comments keep a writer alive. So tell me what you think!


	5. Isabelle (Sister, sister, look away)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Again, sorry for making you wait, but now that I'm back in school, I'll try to keep a more normal writing schedule. Hope you enjoy.

Alec runs to Isabelle’s room, worry and fear racing through his mind.

(In the back, he can feel Jace’s confusion and worry, so he starts to block him out).

(In his room, Jace begins to feel the absence of his parabatai. It hurts, so much, that he blacks out).

(Alec can’t feel any of this. He’s gotten very good at ignoring pain).

Alec appears in Isabelle’s doorway, unsure that he should be here, but he also knows he needs her help.

“Izzy!” He calls, appearing in her doorway. She startles, looking up from the book she’s reading, panic on her face. “I need your help. I have a date with Lydia in 12 minutes and she told me to ‘dress nice’. I don’t even know what that means!”

She relaxes, chuckling at him. “Oh, big brother. Here, I think I’ve got the perfect outfit for you.”

She runs to her closet, picking through the mass of his clothes that she seems to have amassed (has she really stolen all of these clothes and he’s never known it? It’s not so much of a stretch, he guesses. Not like he pays attention to his clothes anyway).

She pulls a dark blue t-shirt and dark jacket out of the closet, throwing them at him.

“The pants you have on are fine, but you should run back to your room, change, and grab those black boots I got for you. The ones with the knife holsters in the bottom, in case Lydia tries anything or you run into demons.” She proclaims, before turning back to him. Alec makes to leave the room, but she stops him. “Alec, you know you don’t have to do this right?” She says softly, pleading.

“No Izzy, I have to do this. For you, for Jace, for Max. I _have_ to.” He says, and then heads out of the room.

_(He doesn’t tell her that this isn’t his choice, it never has been. If he truly said no, his parents might listen, but this has_ never _been his choice. He knows Izzy would step onto a warpath she might never get off if he does. What she doesn’t know can’t hurt her)._

Isabelle’s too perceptive for her own good, and Alec knows this. But in his worry about Lydia and himself, he doesn’t notice her slip out of her room, heading towards Jace’s. He doesn’t know what she’ll find there.

_(Jace, seemingly dead to the world, due to Alec’s intense bond block. They may have been blocking emotions for a while now, but they’ve never completely cut themselves off from the other person. Alec didn’t know this would happen, but he caused it)._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! If you did, leave me a comment. Tank you!


End file.
